I see you over there. Testing your boundaries, pulling up and letting go, trying new things. Learning, moving, climbing and chattering.
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| Look at you sitting there, looking like kids. At the Dentist! Stop that. |
You try to hide it. You get shy when I watch, feign needing help, pretending you can't when you can.
But you know I know. You want to be my babies but you desperately want to explore and be yourselves too. I see it. I understand.
All of a sudden you’re one going on sixteen. It’s terrifying. For all of us.
I do what I can to help you. To challenge you and give you the tools to learn how to think. I want you to figure it out. To be confident in your decisions and to learn your own lessons.
But I won’t push you. I won’t help you grow up any faster than you are on your own. You will grow up of course, but, for now, I won’t rush it.
If nothing changes, you could be our only children. The only babies I will nurse, rock, snuggle and raise. I want to hold on to this for as long as I can. I need to.
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| Standing there and climbing on shelves like you own the place. Not yet! |
I waited so long to have you and was so incredibly blessed to be granted the gift of not just one but two incredible, beautiful little beings.
But if you could help me with this one thing...
I need you to stay little. Just for a little while longer. I know you’re practically toddlers, but please, just stay babies for a bit?
Maybe I’m a little selfish but I don’t believe you’ll be hurt by it. I trust you to figure things out. You'll get there. And I’m here to help you.
Trust me.
I will teach you what you want to learn. When you’re ready. But not yet. You may be one but you’re still my babies. And I need this to last.
This being that raw, biological and unconditional love, of which you have no real understanding. That which you were born doing.
You love me like you can’t live without me and aren’t afraid to show it. You don’t really get mad at me. I am your world. Just give me a little longer with that. Before you figure it all out and then you’re off.
I need you to just be little for a while.
So I won’t make you walk. I love watching you figure out your coordination and how to do it. It's a beautiful mess of movement that reminds me of a dance.
I won’t make you use a fork. I love your chubby little fingers grasping for food and your messy faces.
I won’t make you talk to me or perform. But I will listen when you babble and respond when you need me to.
I won’t potty train you. Until you’re interested. And ready. Or five.
I will nurse you. Or bottle feed you. Whatever. Until you’re done. Or because you finally figured out how to drink from a cup. Because you love it.
I will help you learn how to sleep and eat real food and have fun. All the good things in life, I will make sure you know.
I will respond to your needs as they change, to your reactions as they get bigger and I will help you deal with and conquer your frustrations.
Above all I will help you learn how to do things at your own pace. Not by what doctors or relatives or other people think you should be doing.
But I will not rush you through this.
And I regret trying to force things in the past.
Life might be easier if you became toddlers. If you ate neatly, started picking up after yourselves and using the toilet. If you really listened to me. But I don’t want that. And you don’t need that. Not just yet.
You’re my only babies and right now, I know we all want this to last. So, for as long as you are willing, please keep loving me this much and needing me in this way.
Because way too soon it’s going to change and my heart is already aching at the thought.
Do know though, that when and while it all changes, I will be there for you, as you learn who you are.
As you have your own hopes and dreams and desires. Just like I am now, I promise, I will be there.
Even though you may not always want me. Because as much as I love this part, I can hardly wait for what comes next.
But please, just for a little while, let's all just be.
Love,
Mama
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