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The Pros and Cons of Raising Kids Away From Family

Twiniversity — Tue, 19 Mar 2019 04:00:13 +0000

When we found out that we were pregnant with twins, we went into straight PANIC mode. We were more than 10 hours from our families and only had friends and church members within an hour’s drive. We wrestled with the idea of moving back to my husband’s hometown or staying where we were. We packed up the entire house, determined to move somewhere else, whether it was closer to our church family or to my husband’s family, and eventually decided to move closer to our church family. One of the questions that came up multiple times was, “Should we be this far from family with twins?” We knew that we were capable of raising the girls on our own, but should we do it? We had already lived away from our families for over 5 years, so we were already used to not having them there on a consistent basis to visit and talk with on a daily or weekly basis. But that’s when it was just the two of us. Now there would be four. Could we really handle it? Now we live a whole 16 hours away from our families (with the exception of my mom) here in the United Arab Emirates! The Pros and Cons of Raising Kids Away From Family Pros One of the biggest pros is that you don’t have to deal with the unsolicited advice from aunties, cousins, and other family members who feel that they know better than you do, whether they have kids or not. Now, our families are not the type to do this, but I know for many others, this is a constant issue. People feel like when you have a child, you open the door to them to give you all of their Google, Facebook article, Wikipedia, best friend’s cousin’s auntie’s advice. They become pushy with what they think and how they feel your child should be raised and handled. We have been given the opportunity to raise our twins however we choose to, without people interjecting what they think and believe on us. Another great thing is that we don’t have to deal with judgments and comments about how we choose to raise our children. As a mother, we already endure a lot of ‘mom guilt’ on a daily basis, so to receive more judgment from someone who has no idea of what’s happening behind closed doors is an insult. Now I’m not talking about people who are looking out for your child’s well being. If they see your child’s arm hanging backward and suggest you take them to a doctor, that’s one thing. But when you take your child out in public and they have on a 3-day old superhero outfit, you get these eyes from people to say “Why doesn’t she make her child dress properly?” But they don’t even realize that you were up all night with your child, who is sick, you needed to get their cough medicine from the pharmacy, and that your child would not leave the house without the outfit and you COULD NOT handle one more situation so you said, “Okay.” Nobody knows those stories, but everyone has an opinion about you and how you choose to mother. Cons When we moved to be closer to our church family, we were happy to be closer to people we knew well. But they still weren’t our blood family. We couldn’t have the same comfort level of what we could ask of them as we would with our own family. So we didn’t go out on a date after they were born, when my family came to visit. With family, there’s a trade when people take care of your kids. Grandmothers get to spend time with their grandkids. Aunts and Uncles get to get to know their nieces and nephews and they also get to play with their cousins. It’s also a known rule that when they keep your kids, at some point you’ll keep theirs. So being around family gives you some moments of relief when you need it the most, even if they’re just visiting for a moment, you can go and take a shower, fix yourself some food, and even make a run to a store or two while they’re there. A few months ago, one of my twins had a high fever that would not go away. We eventually got up in the middle of the night and took her to the hospital. In that moment, I wanted to be around family. My mom was there to take care of our other twin, which helped to ease any worry about where to take her. But I wanted to be able to call family and let them know what was happening. I wanted them to have the option to come and take over if me and my husband needed to go to the bathroom or grab some food or sleep. But we didn’t have that. We only had each other in that moment. We have friends here, but once again, you don’t have the same level of comfort there that you do with family. Calling a friend to come to the hospital at 1 am versus calling your sister or aunt at 1 am to come to the hospital are two totally different phone calls. Having family down the road helps to ease chaos in an emergency situation. You know for a FACT that their support is available. This is a reason my husband brings up all the time, but isn’t new to me. One of the disadvantages of not raising your twins about family is that when you visit them, especially in their early years, they are strangers to them. They’re having to build relationships over again because they don’t remember them too well from the last time they were together. They don’t know each other’s names yet. They aren’t “cousin-friends”. They’re just kids who play together when their parents are in the same place. When it… Continue Reading The Pros and Cons of Raising Kids Away From Family

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4 Things to Consider Before Moving Abroad with Multiples

Twiniversity — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 05:00:59 +0000

My husband and I have been living abroad in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) for 6 months now, and I consider it to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made (next to saying “I Do” of course *wink*). We both took on teaching jobs here and, thankfully, my mom came abroad to take care of our now 19-month-old-twins while we went to work. Even though I LOVE the decision to move here, making the decisions was FAR from easy. Here are the four things we considered before moving abroad that helped guide us in our decision. 1. Deciding On the Right Place I’ll never forget the day that the idea came across my Facebook timeline. A single mom of three was teaching in the UAE and was enjoying every second of it. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and was preparing myself to get back to teaching the following year. As I read her article, I realized that this was possible for my family. Using job placement agencies, message boards, and Facebook pages as your guide, you will come across many different jobs in different places. Paris, Italy, and a lot of other dream places seem great, but financially it may not be the best place. You want to find places that are family-friendly and budget-friendly. Paris and Italy may not be the place until after your kids are in college. 2. What to Look for in Job Packages Securing the job is one thing, but moving abroad is so much more than that. You want to find jobs that offer plenty of benefits to get you started in a new city. For many professions, including teaching, you receive some type of package, including housing, health insurance, and sometimes airfare once a year round-trip to your home country. Some job offers even come with schooling expenses covered for your children. You want to find the right package for you and your family. Wherever you go, be sure to check the exchange rate and how much you will lose or gain when you send money home. Some of my South African colleagues send money home and because of the exchange rate, they receive 3x more. My husband and I, on the other hand, lose money sending it back to the US, but the amount we make is still more than what we made teaching in the US, considering that housing and health insurance are covered. 3. Childcare Options Available One of the things we researched was childcare options. In the UAE, there are a variety of options, all of which made me uncomfortable since I was going from being a stay-at-home mom to a working mom (a balance I’m still learning). Depending on what you’re willing to pay, the daycare centers have a variety of curriculums from the US and the UK. Another popular option that many of the local and expat residents use are nannies. I know of many families that have nannies to care for their children and their homes. Some parents homeschool their children, so the nanny is there to monitor them throughout the day. The nanny feeds the children, washes clothing, and cleans the home as well. Lucky for us, my mom was able to come abroad and live with us and take care of our girls. We pay her every month, but the comfort she provides and the level of care she gives every day is priceless. 4. Being A Long Way from Family and Friends I can admit that this part of the decision didn’t really affect the majority of my decision making. My mom is here with me and my younger sister doesn’t mind traveling. Since college, I’ve lived away from home and haven’t gone back, so being on my own and finding my “tribe” in whatever place I was in at the time has been my go-to for a while now. My husband is different. He grew up very close to his family from his parents to his second cousins. He loves being around for birthdays, graduations, and family reunions (something I never had until I married him). But he had also been away from his family since college as well, traveling to South Africa and Morocco to study abroad. One of his dreams was to live in another country, but it was still a hard decision to make. For some of you reading this, your local family members may be everything to you. You see them every weekend, they watch your multiples when you need a date night or a drink, and they support you mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, and all the other “-llys” I might have missed. They are your rocks and you couldn’t imagine any place without them being more than 20 minutes away. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I can admit that I’m not familiar with that experience, so I don’t know what that feels like. But… I do know what it feels like to go to a new place feeling alone, wishing I could go home to my place of familiarity and comfort. But something wonderful has always happened wherever I went. I met people who became family. I’ve been blessed with “family” in each new place I have been. A group of people who love and care for me and for my family. When times got hard and I couldn’t go home 6 hours away, I could go 20 minutes away to see someone who may not have been my blood relative, but someone who I chose to be a part of my family. I hope that if you’re considering moving abroad with multiples that this article helped start that decision-making process. To follow our journey here in the beautiful United Arab Emirates, follow me on Instagram @ChroniclesofAlly. Related Articles

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5 Tips if Your Birth Plan Doesn’t Go As Planned

Twiniversity — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 04:00:04 +0000

It’s a great feeling when you sit down with your spouse and go over the details of your birth plan. You have spent time watching documentaries, reading blogs, and empowering yourself to create a birth plan tailored made just for you and your family’s special day. You talked over the details with your OB or your doula, and at every appointment, you go over the details, whether it’s a strong “NO” to drugs, or a hard “YES” to them, you want to make sure that the whole world knows your birth plan and what you will and won’t do… That is until the day actually comes, and everything you WANTED for your special day is thrown onto the ground, spit on by every doctor and nurse (Not literally), and thrown into the fiery “birth plan” flame to die with all the other birth plans that have come through. This was my story. Everything that I didn’t want, I got, and vice versa. I cried, I was terrified, and beyond worried for myself and my girls. But I made it, they made it, and all of you will too. Here are 5 tips if your birth plan doesn’t go as planned. 1. Don’t Panic…the Whole Time When the doctor told me that I had to have an emergency c-section, I went into panic mode. All I could do was hearing the words she was using, but I wasn’t listening to her because I couldn’t get past the fact that I now had to be cut open and my children pulled from me. I couldn’t get past the fact that they were putting seizure pads on my bed because they were afraid I would have a seizure because of my high blood pressure. But when I took a moment to process what was going to happen, my experience was SO much better. I was able to laugh, sing a song with my husband, ask questions, and appreciate the moment when I heard my babies’ cry for the first time. It’s okay to panic for a moment, but make sure you take some time to center yourself, accept what is about to change, and move forward. 2. Try to Contact Someone You Know That Has Had the Experience You’re About to Have When I found out I was having a c-section, I immediately told my husband to call my sister-in-love. She had a c-section with her children, and I needed to know what was about to happen. I had looked into c-sections briefly before the big day, but I wouldn’t look long because I just KNEW I was going to deliver my twins naturally… SIKE! I told her to talk me through the process of what I would experience before going into the delivery room, during, and after it was all over. I needed to know what I was getting into. After talking me through it, she prayed with me, which helped tremendously. I took a deep breath, a sigh of some relief, and felt a lot better about my emergency c-section. If you have to look up a YouTube Video or a blog to help you, that’s good too. You are NOT the only one who has had to endure this experience. 3. Cry, Sob, and Let the Frustration Out As I was being hooked up to medications, given a catheter, and told of my emergency c-section, I thought I needed to stay strong. For some reason, I tried to hold back my tears of fear and frustration to be strong for everyone else in the room. Don’t Do That. Don’t Be Like Me. Let it out. Cry about it. You don’t have to be strong for anyone else in that room, except you. You’ve been carrying those babies for a long time, thought out this perfect day, for it to only be ruined. You are allowed to, and deserve to cry. Cry because you’re pissed off at the world for ruining your day. If you’re like me, cry because you’re pissed off at the stupid placenta for running up your blood pressure. You can cry because you’re afraid and don’t know what will happen. Just let it all out. 4. Don’t Feel Bad About the Change in Your Birth Plan I tried to find all the reasons why this was my fault, started making myself feel bad because I would be considered a bad mom to all those natural birthers out in the world who have their babies in ponds in nature and never scream or cry. I blamed my weight for my high blood pressure, I blamed myself for not getting enough rest. It almost worked too. There are things that happen that we have no control over. Our bodies just act up sometimes. Things shift around and mess up in as little as 3 days. None of this is your fault. Don’t label yourself as a bad mom when you haven’t even had the babies yet! 5. Trust Your Ob/Doula/Midwife/Anesthesiologist/Nurse They have dealt with hiccups before. They have dealt with best case and worst-case scenarios. It’s always good to research the entire OB group of doctors just in case something happens and yours isn’t available, but another OB is. It’s good to research the hospital or birthing center in connection with your OB. Your OB could be amazing, but the hospital they word with has nurses who are rude and aren’t as gentle as you’d like.Regardless of where you are, you have to trust that they ALL know what they’re doing. Even though your situation is new to you, it isn’t new to them. You got this mom and dad! Yes, it absolutely sucks that everything you planned has gone down the brith plan drain, but remember that once this moment is over, you will have two (or more) beautiful babies in your arms! When I heard my twins cry, all of the fuss and frustration over a birth plan disappeared… and the new panic of having to… Continue Reading 5 Tips if Your Birth Plan Doesn’t Go As Planned

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