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Fostering Independence in Twins

Amanda Hadley — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 10:00:00 +0000

I’m that mom that LOVES to dress my twins the same. I’m the one thinking up Halloween costumes only twins can pull off, and I am guilty of overusing #twinning. But as my twins get older, I’ve started to intentionally foster independence in my twinnies. (Oops, I did it again.) I have fraternal girl twins that are as different as night and day, but still, so many people see them as the same person. Independence is crucial for every child, but twins often have to work harder to get it. I must constantly remind myself, that although they shared a womb, and share a birthday, they are still two separate people. To encourage their individuality, I have been doing my best to observe their differences and unique traits. Here are a few tips I’ve learned, along with a couple of bonus side effects. Honor their Preferences As with many parents of twins, I have one twin that is the natural leader, and the other that follows her sister around. I had to learn how they like to spend quality time so I could boost the confidence of my little follower. One of my littles loves sitting together on the couch watching a show or reading a book. The other loves going out on adventures and exploring. Each is important and I strive to do these things each day so that they both get what they need. I also let them make their own choices when it comes to snacks, toys, or art projects. These little things make a difference. When they are encouraged to pick what they want, they are more confident in making decisions. Which in turn allows them to build their own identity. Let Them Choose One of the first steps in fostering independence in twins is allowing them to make their own decisions. This could be as simple as letting them choose which shirt they want to wear or what activity they want to do for the day. Now that my twins are three, I can no longer force them into matching outfits. Rather, I let them pick out what they feel like wearing. One is into dresses and shoes, the other would rather wear nothing but we settle for a t-shirt and pants. There are special occasions like family pictures where I may bribe them to dress alike, but in general, I let them have ownership of getting ready in the morning. (Be prepared that people may ask you, “how far apart are they?” and when you answer, “Two minutes!” they are surprised. It gets harder to identify fraternal twins when they aren’t matching.) Giving them a sense of control over their choices helps build confidence and autonomy. Separate Them in School This is for each family to decide when the timing is right and you will find zero judgment from me. We separated our twinnies this year, against my wishes, and it ended up being the best decision ever. They now have their own friends, aren’t constantly compared to one another by teachers, and have very different conversations about how their days went. Plus, in the long run, separate classes could lead to better academic performance. Twins easily become too dependent on each other, limiting their individual abilities and academic skills. Separating them can help them develop their own strengths and how to work independently. I have noticed their confidence increase and they no longer stick together like glue all the time, just most of the time. One-On-One Time Spending one-on-one time with each twin gives you the opportunity for them to have your undivided attention, and you to have theirs. This helps them feel valued and important. It also allows you to focus on their individual needs and interests, which can help foster their independence. During this one-on-one time, allow them to make decisions about what they want to do or where they want to go. This can help boost their confidence in decision-making and allow them to feel more in control of their own lives. Avoid Comparisons This is a hard one, even for non-twin-baring parents. If it feels like one is falling behind the other, it’s hard not to compare them. But try. Remember that even though they share a birthday, they are two separate people. Focus on their individual strengths and accomplishments, and try not to refer to them as a unit (I know this might just be the hardest tip of them all)! Overall, fostering independence in twins is crucial for their development and can have many positive effects on their identity, problem-solving skills, and accountability. By honoring their preferences, letting them choose their own clothes, separating them in school (if appropriate), and spending one-on-one time with each twin, parents can help their twins become more independent individuals. Remember to avoid comparisons and encourage problem-solving to further support their growth. With these strategies in place, you can help your twins thrive and become confident, capable individuals. Bonus #1 Would you believe me if I told you that by fostering independence in your twins, they may actually have a stronger bond? WHAT! I know, but it’s true. When twins are encouraged to develop their own interests and identities, they may actually share more with each other. Bonus #2 I have noticed that by encouraging them to be their own people, they are more helpful around the house. NO seriously. By giving my twinadoes a sense of independence, they crave responsibility and doing more things on their own. Case and point, tip number two. By letting them pick their own clothes, they want to get dressed on their own. Does this take a little longer? Yes. But if I plan ahead and make it fun, it becomes one less thing for me to do in the morning. Plus it gives them an immediate sense of accomplishment. One also likes to take care of the dog and the other likes to help with laundry. It’s a fun way to connect one-on-one with my twins… Continue Reading Fostering Independence in Twins

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That’s the Popular Twin

Twiniversity — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 10:45:00 +0000

My boy/girl twins are 5 years old and in preschool. Twin A, my daughter is the dominant twin. She is outgoing, mostly kind unless provoked, a bit sensitive, and is definitely the popular twin. Baby B, my son has been my sidekick since birth. He was the easy-going baby, content to lay under the playmat watching the lights, and listening to music. He is very gentleman-like, always allowing his sister to go first; exiting the womb, crawling, walking, talking, etc. He is an early intervention graduate in speech and I still maintain that he always had the words, he just couldn’t compete with his extravert twin sister. Baby B has always been more sensitive, shy, and self-conscious than his sister. These characteristics were apparent very early on, but I didn’t give it a second thought until they started preschool. My daughter would come bouncing out of class, joyfully reciting all the names of the new friends she had made. My son was always quick to exit class, but out of excitement to be reunited with me. At first, he was content sharing friends with his sister. Then after a handful of playdates with his sister’s best friends, he came to me, head down and whispered, “I wish I had a best friend to play with.” If you listen really closely, you can actually hear my mommy heart breaking. We’ve all heard the “don’t compare your children” speech, but when your children are twins, it’s really hard not to! You have two children, born on the same day, equal gestation length, approaching milestones at the same time. So when one seems ahead of the other you can’t help but worry. Social development is a black hole of worries, especially in our social media-driven world. Will my daughter always be more “popular”? Does being popular mean she’ll have more friends and be liked more? What if my sensitive boy feels left out? Will he always feel second best to his sister? Will he retreat and stay shy because he feels that is his role? That’s the popular twin vs That’s the less popular twin Is there usually a shy twin? It turns out this alpha-beta twin-ship isn’t unique. Twins unconsciously negotiate their relationship so one person in the pair is the designated leader in certain aspects of their lives. Research suggests with boy-girl twin pairs, the girls often take the lead. According to a 2020 review co-authored by Nancy Segal Ph.D., a combination of prenatal testosterone exposure and being more mature in general explains why girl twins take on a more dominant role. Will my shy twin outgrow their shyness? Almost all toddlers are timid with unfamiliar places and people. About half of these children will outgrow their shyness by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. Of the remaining children, about half will have outgrown their shyness by their teenage years. Some children will remain shy throughout their lives. Of course, you should always encourage your children to share their opinions and points of view. However, requiring your shy child to join in may only frustrate you and intimidate your child. Instead, provide your shy child with lots of empathy, encouragement, support, praise, and acceptance. When should I be concerned? You should be concerned if, by age 4, your child’s shyness prevents them from venturing away from your side, playing with friends, or participating in preschool lessons. By the late elementary years, this withdrawal reflex can become deeply ingrained. Physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches are classic features of shyness and social anxiety. If these types of symptoms develop, you may want to consult with your pediatrician. Be supportive of your children’s temperament. Always show respect and sensitivity to their needs. Everyday shyness that does not prevent your child from achieving their goals or participating in life can have its advantages. Reasons it can be good being shy: Shy people are often very careful listeners They can give a very welcome presence without saying a word They often have an inner peace that shines Shy children are often well-behaved and nice children to be around They can be deep thinkers and cautious My son has made some connections with some of his peers, he even had a best friend for a bit. His sensitivity has played a big role in his social interactions. He is best when he has one really good friend, however, he has his feelings hurt easily when his one friend wants to be friends with others. He is no worse or better than his outgoing sister, he is just different. Remind yourself that having a shy child is not all bad. Remind your child that being shy is okay and has its benefits. What about the popular twin? Don’t discourage your outgoing twin to be anything less than who they are. Most likely they are not purposely out-doing their sibling (at least in the younger years). Popular people are extroverts; very social, outgoing, very talkative, and love meeting new people. My daughter enjoys being around activities and other children. Her strengths are communication, socializing in groups, and working well with others at school, and she brings a lot of energy and enthusiasm. These are not bad characteristics and I will not fault her for being popular because of it. Truth is, she’s a joy to be around. She is a friend to everyone, including the gentleman on the motorcycle who stopped at the traffic light outside her car window! She is no better or worse than her introverted brother, she is just different. Reasons it can be good to be popular….. Strong leadership skills Stands up for what they believe in and do not waver from their beliefs Builds strong relationships and is basically a lover of people Passionate about the things she considers important Determined and not easily swayed from their individual viewpoints Twins are often thought of as a unit instead of two individuals. I often make this mistake. Remind yourself that people… Continue Reading That’s the Popular Twin

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Mirror Twins: All You Need to Know

Twiniversity — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 10:13:00 +0000

Aside from these uncommon complications, mirror image twins are no more at risk for issues than any other set of twins. Although they might have a harder time fooling their teachers with the old identical twin switcheroo! Continue Reading Mirror Twins: All You Need to Know

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My Twins Don’t Share a Magical “Twin Bond”

Twiniversity — Mon, 21 Oct 2019 04:00:27 +0000

A mom of twins shares how her twin daughters do not have a magical twin bond, but have grown a sisterly bond after separating classrooms in kindergarten. Twins. The mention often evokes the notion of two inseparable souls, deeply connected to one another, sharing a bond unlike any other. People imagine twins who can finish one another’s sentences, sense the other’s feelings, know each other’s thoughts, even feel physical pain when the other is injured. At the very least, most people expect twins – of any type – to share a closer connection than those who are not. I once found a ranking of the strength of twin bond by type, claiming the strongest bond exists between identical girls, while the second strongest is shared by fraternal girls, followed by identical boys, fraternal boys and, finally, girl/boy twins. This implies that all of these pairings share a stronger bond than non-twin siblings. The belief is so prevalent, that one might feel like there is something amiss if their twins do not exhibit any such “magical” twin bond. While I don’t deny that some twins absolutely share incredible connections with one another, I can confirm that it is not always the case. My fraternal twin girls share no special, magical twin bond. They know they are twins but I don’t think they’ve ever even thought of themselves as being part of a pair. In fact, for the first few years of their lives, I worried they wouldn’t even be friends. They were like oil and water when they were younger. They may be twins but they are complete opposites in personality. Forget sensing each other’s feelings and being inseparable, my twins barely even got along with one another. I went so far as to put a saying up on the wall of their shared bedroom in hopes of instilling in them, “Because I have a sister, I always have a friend.” Of course, they couldn’t read, yet, so it made no difference. It was clear that, in the case of my daughters, being fraternal twin sisters was not a guarantee for any special fondness in their relationship. For years, one of my daughters was much closer with her brother (who is two years older) than she was with her twin sister. Though the thought of twins may evoke expectations of some magical bond, the truth is – at least in the case of fraternal twins – they are no more alike than any other two siblings. My daughters are sisters who just happened to share a womb and be born within 11 minutes of each other. And though they have many more shared experiences than siblings of different ages, that won’t always strengthen their bond or make them the best of friends. Actually, it wasn’t until my daughters had less shared experiences that they started to get along better. From the womb through preschool, they had very few moments when they were not together. With their clashing personalities, this only served to increase the conflicts between them, not make them inseparable. So, when it was time for kindergarten, I was insistent that they be in separate classes. I knew the best thing for my twins would be for them to get away from each other, to lessen the opportunities for comparison and competition and conflict, and to allow each of them to make their own friends. I felt certain this would be best for each of them as individuals, what I never expected was that it would, in turn, improve their relationship with one another. It was almost immediate. After the very first day of kindergarten, as we were all talking about our day at the dinner table, I watched as both of their faces lit up. They realized that they had separate experiences, they had something of their own in their day, and something to talk about that the other didn’t already know. Their relationship has continued to improve through the years and I’d even say they are now, finally, friends. They’ve found some common interests and enjoy each other’s company most of the time. And, now that they have separate bedrooms, they even enjoy sleepovers in each other’s room. Though my girls still don’t share any magical twin connection, they do share a bond as sisters and that is special enough. Elizabeth Joyce has been featured on Scary Mommy, The Mighty, and InspireMore, among others. Elizabeth shares her truths as a cancer survivor, mom via IVF/FET & gestational surrogacy, anxiety struggler, family historian, budget traveler, and simple, ordinary life enthusiast. She lives in Illinois with her husband, son, and twin daughters. Follow her on Facebook and find out more at about.me/WriterElizabethJoyce. Related Articles – My Twins Don’t Share a Magical Twin Bond

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My ‘Hey-Man-Whatever’ Approach to the Teen Twin Bond

Twiniversity — Thu, 30 May 2019 04:00:56 +0000

Since the moment my obstetrician told me she was hearing two separate heart beats at a routine check-up more than 15 years ago I have been worried. As parents, that’s kind of our natural state of being, isn’t it? Once we found out they are di/di (meaning 2 sacs and 2 placentas) I stopped worrying so much about my pregnancy and started worrying about motherhood. Two babies at once. How would I manage that? At only 20 years old, was I even qualified to raise twins? The short answer is no. I was not. But, like all new parents, I stumbled through the best way I knew how. With twins, we get another level of worry. It’s an extra layer. On top of the usual worries, we wonder when/if their relationship is being nurtured, but not to the point of damaging either child. In the younger years, we toss and turn at night, fretting over when to split up their toys and give them separate rooms. We worry if one seems to bulldoze over the other. We wonder if they should be getting more alone time with Mom and Dad. I know I became used to people without twins telling me what was best for my babies. “They say each baby needs one twin-free morning per week with Mom, or else…….” they would say. Or “you know you can’t let them be together past preschool. They say it damages them.” First of all, who is ‘they’ that everyone keeps talking about? Secondly, since when are singleton parents keeping up with the latest twin studies? Am I the only mom who didn’t consider extensive twin research as bedtime reading before finding out I was expecting my own set? Maybe so, according to all these experts. I basically just followed my own instincts, good, bad, or indifferent. My girls are in high school now and sometimes those comments have become downright critical. For example, some say I shouldn’t let them participate in the same activities or be in any of the same classes at school. To be honest, I have even done a bit of my own research to ensure we really aren’t damaging them beyond repair. We have spent more than 14 years kind of letting them call the shots regarding their relationship. Within reason, it’s been up to them for the most part. When they wanted separate rooms we flipped a coin to see who moved. When they decided they wanted to be in separate classes for 1st grade we met with the principal and split them up. When they decided later that same year that it was a terrible mistake, we met with the principal again and got them back together for 2nd grade. I have always figured that if they were siblings who aren’t twins, I wouldn’t force them together or apart, so why would I now? Maybe we’re doing it all wrong. Who knows. They’re not quite 15 years old so I guess technically, the jury’s still out on this whole child-rearing gig. But they seem happy and well-adjusted. They have tons of friends and interests that don’t revolve around their twin. Above all else, they really are best friends. Their bond has never wavered. They love each other in a way I cannot possibly understand. I take that as a sign that letting them run the show hasn’t backfired on us yet. One of my girls decided to run track this year. Earlier in the school year, she ran cross-country without her twin. About two weeks into preseason practice, she got it in her head that her sister might do well with it herself and began her campaign to get her on board. All three of my children are aware of the house rule we imposed regarding activities. Each kid has to do one activity per year. We don’t care if it’s a sport, club, or art class. They just need to do something. With my twins’ freshmen year half over, they both knew that meant she was running out of options. So, during the 2nd regular season practice, they both became runners for the track team. My runner twin got her sister to agree by telling her, “Mom will make you join the paper or something if you don’t pick something on your own now.” Relieved, but a smidge insulted, I took her to her sports physical and got her the athletic paperwork signed for the coach. At first I was concerned that there would be problems or resentment, as she would be relegated to “twin” status again. I worried her twin would feel overshadowed by her sister picking up “her” activity. I basically made them more competitive with each other in my head than they really are. I have watched more than one practice and while they always look for one another on the field, they often head off in opposite directions and compete in different events. I guess you can check back in 10 years and we can call my ‘hey-man-whatever’ approach to my kids’ twin bond a success (or a failure). For now, I’m just grateful to have the girls I have. I’m grateful they actually want to spend time together. And even more than that, I’m grateful that they appreciate each other and have the bond they have. We are certainly looking forward to seeing how this relationship continues to transition as they become young adults. Related Articles – My ‘Hey-Man-Whatever’ Approach to the Teen Twin Bond

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6 Tips to Avoid Scheduling Chaos with Teen Twins

Twiniversity — Sat, 06 Apr 2019 04:00:17 +0000

High school is in full swing around here with my freshman twins. They are almost 15-years-old and I feel it has been my job to encourage my girls to find what interests them individually. As they have gotten older there has been less and less overlap. Add in a 10-year-old brother and scheduling can become downright overwhelming. I have one girl who is obsessed with all things track, another who seems to be majoring in socializing, a boy who plays baseball, and a husband who travels for work just enough to be disruptive. There comes a point where you will begin to wonder how you will ever manage. You wonder if it’s even possible to be in two (sometimes three) places at once. Spoiler alert: it isn’t. Not to worry. I’ve put a few some of my best tips to help keep the days running a little more smoothly. 1. Write It Down I don’t care if you have the best memory known to mankind. Write it down anyway. If you get in the habit of it early, like before they have their own individual interests, it makes it much easier later. I have learned this the hard way myself. These days I have a wall calendar that my family can write on and my own planner where I keep track of the family and myself. Some people prefer to use electronic calendars you can sync together. Just find something that works for you and start using it today! 2. Don’t Overschedule Yourself (Or Your Kids) It can be easy to fall into the competitive trap of overscheduling. Resist the urge. If I’m being honest with myself, I can only handle one activity per kid at a time. I allow 1 per semester per kid in my home because that’s what it takes to preserve my sanity. Anything above and beyond our current system is bound to be a disaster. Signing your kid up for soccer, Spanish, and piano might be doable for just one kid but with twins, you wind up living in your car. If you’re okay with eating on the fly and never (and I do mean NEVER) getting caught up on your DVR then you do you. It’s just not for me. 3. Let Go of Mom Guilt Seriously. Take all the shreds of mom guilt you have tucked away, roll them up into a tight little ball, and throw that ball into the nearest trash bin. Be okay with telling your kid you just don’t have the time for tournament soccer this season and the city team will just have to do. Be okay with missing a practice or even (gasp) a game now and then. We all have an identity separate from being a parent. Every so often a work commitment might make seeing Friday nights’ game impractical. Skip it. It’s going to be okay. Let your kid know you will expect a play-by-play at home and you will be cheering them on from the conference room. Once in a while won’t matter to them in the long run. 4. Talk With Coaches and Other Parents Most parents I know aren’t comfortable with sending their child off with some random stranger to practice. That’s okay because I am one of those moms who wouldn’t do that. I make an effort to get to know other parents. I let them know I am open to play dates and carpooling. If nothing else, at least there’s another parent you know if you get caught in traffic to pick your kid up and maybe they can bring her home as a one time favor. Maybe that mom can take a few extra pictures at the track meet and send you a couple of your girl speeding towards the finish when you’re driving her sibling to a baseball game. 5. Multi-Task As I write this I am sitting on the bleachers watching my daughter conquer my fear of her learning to be a pole vaulter (YIKES!) I’m becoming pretty good at dictating story ideas in the car and haven’t made a phone call from home in quite some time. Need to check in with mom? Give her a ring while you’re waiting for practice to end. Scheduling appointments can be done while waiting for your kid at the school pick up if you’re parked and waiting. I haven’t watched TV without folding, ironing, or dusting in ages. These little things can add up to getting a bit of reprieve time in the evenings, which is kind of the name of the game at this point in my life. 6. Delegate This is something most of us twin parents should already be pretty familiar with from those chaotic newborn days. Being pulled in two different directions is nothing new. Nobody needs to do it all alone. Maybe one kid can be responsible for folding laundry or making dinner on Thursdays when you don’t get home until 7:30 pm. Maybe you have a close family member who is always asking to help out or come see your kid practice on the weekends. Let them be in charge of Saturday practice drop off for one of your twins. Pawn off anything you can and should and then refer back to tip #3. Like many parents, I had wrongfully assumed that the hard part of parenting would be behind us by now. In some ways, it’s even harder now that my twins are older and into different things. Since they are in high school, I feel the overwhelming urge to soak up every minute I can with my twins because I know they will be off to college in just three short years. I often need to remind myself that balance is imperative during these last few years while I try my best to stumble through with some semblance of sanity. Related Articles

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The Pros and Cons of Identical Twins

Twiniversity — Tue, 26 Feb 2019 04:00:14 +0000

One of my favorite movies in my young adult life (although I would never have admitted it at the time) was The Parent Trap. If you haven’t seen the movie, identical twins fool their parents into thinking they are the other twin. I never would have imagined that many years later, I would be the parent in the “Parent Trap” situation, having identical twin daughters of my own! My daughters, now only 5 years old, have yet to play the ole’ switch-a-roo on us. But, at their young age, they are already recognizing that there are some benefits and drawbacks to being identical. Last summer, at my daughters’ well visit appointment, the pediatrician detected a slight astigmatism in Twin A’s eye. We had to make an appointment to see an ophthalmologist to conduct a more thorough exam. At the same time, we prepared both twins that there was a chance that Twin A would need glasses. Twin B (without any eye issues) had a complete meltdown that her sister wasn’t going to look like her anymore and asked if she could get glasses too. Yet, Twin A was completely fine with the possibility of getting her own look. In the end, the astigmatism was too slight to warrant getting glasses, but it opened my eyes to the fact that there was a differing opinion between my twins about looking identical. After this realization, I repeatedly attempted to give Twin A the opportunity to have her own style (e.g. new hairdo, broader clothing style preference), but for now, my girls don’t want to make any changes. Being an identical twin may have its pluses and minuses, with some twins loving the thought of having a doppelganger and others going to extremes to look completely different from their counterpart. Below, I have provided some pros and cons of identical twins. Pros BFF for Life It is remarkable to be born with your best friend and have them by your side throughout each special moment in your life. To give you a glimpse into my twin daughters’ best friendship: they laugh endlessly about a secret that no one else would ever find funny; they madly scream at each other one second and the next are making up a game that only the two of them understand; each twin will go on a respective playdate and within 20 minutes of being apart, they miss each other and need to call each other. Being the Center of Attention When twins are identical, there is a greater chance they will attract attention from friends, family, and strangers wherever they go. People have a curiosity about twins and this curiosity grows when those twins mirror each other. Of course, with this interest, comes a slew of questions about looking alike (e.g. Who is who? What are the differentiating marks? Can your parents tell you apart? etc). So far we’ve had a positive experience with questions from the public and we’re happy to educate others on twinship. The Desire to Have a Unique Twinship Haven’t we all grown up wanting a twin sibling? When I was little, I longed for a twin sister – someone I could tell all my secrets, have a unique connection with, do each other’s hair, and share clothing and accessories with each day. I am now witnessing this twin yearning in my daughters’ preschool class. The other little girls tell their parents that they wish they were a twin too. It must be pretty neat for my 5-year-old daughters to feel idolized! A Stronger Bond with your Identical Let’s be honest, all twins share a special bond. They share a womb, are born at the same time, and likely spend more time with each other than anyone else. However, identical twins are the result of one egg splitting in two, thus sharing genes. In my opinion, I feel that identical twins have a stronger bond compared to other sibling relationships – even fraternal twins — due to the fact that they share DNA. Sharing Clothes Identical twins have the benefit of sharing clothes with their counterparts, which helps twins have a broader selection of styles to choose a wardrobe. My twins subconsciously created a clothes ownership (this shirt is yours, this dress is mine), but will often “borrow” each other’s garments, which in turn confuses the rest of us, since we have also assigned who wears which outfits. Furthermore, identical twins have a benefit when it comes to trying on clothes — only one twin has to go through the hassle of trying on a new outfit in the store. Playing Games on Others Like we have seen with the twins in The Parent Trap and in other movies, identical twins have the ability to “trick” others by pretending to be their twin. We have heard all the ruses that identical twins can get away with – taking tests for their siblings, switching parts for dates, taking the blame for their twin, etc. This is a definite pro for the twins — I’m not so sure about everyone else though! Cons People Not Being Able to Tell Identical Twins Apart People that don’t know our identical twins well, or don’t see them often, have a difficult time distinguishing the pair apart. This sometimes irks the twins in not having their individuality shine, without first having to identify themselves. My girls’ preschool teacher admitted to us that she cannot tell the difference between my twins and therefore lumps the girls together as one person each day. Constant Attention and Questioning Some twins prefer to go under the radar and the constant attention from outsiders is bothersome. In addition to the attention, the abundance of questions (e.g. who is older? which twin is more outgoing? who is taller?), gets to be annoying. Comparisons Could Turn into Rivalries When two people look so much alike, there is a high likelihood that their relationship becomes competitive. These competitions can be anything from who’s… Continue Reading The Pros and Cons of Identical Twins

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5 Tips to Help Kids Reach Their Goals in the New Year

Twiniversity — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 04:00:53 +0000

Setting goals aren’t just for grownups! Learning to set and accomplish goals at a young age will help kids learn valuable qualities that will help them develop into well-rounded children, adolescents, and adults. Self-confidence is acquired and self-discipline is learned and the realization that they can make a difference when they put their mind to do something are priceless lessons to learn at a young age. How can you help your children set goals? Here are some tips. Some ideas for goals that little kids can achieve: Some bigger goals as your kids get older: As your kids get older they can handle more complex goals that take a few days, a week or a month to accomplish. Keep these additional things in mind as well: Related Articles

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Teaching Twins to Embrace their Individuality

Twiniversity — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 04:00:05 +0000

Encourage your twins to embrace their individuality and encourage others to treat them as individuals with these tips, from a mom of twins. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I made it my mission to make everyone aware that my twin daughters are individuals, rather than being seen as one unit. Their individual identities are extremely important to me. I want my twins to have the benefits of a singleton (not being constantly compared or confused with a sibling), while at the same time having the perks of being a twin. When my identical twin daughters started preschool, I became hyper-aware of how the teachers were treating my daughters — whether as individuals or a pair. I was often irked when only one “Get To Know Me” hand-out was sent home from school, or my twins had to share items that every other student in the class received their own. Now that my daughters are five years old, I am transitioning the skills to them to recognize that they should be treated as individuals and to speak up when their identity is confused. embrace their individuality However, in my goal to ensure everyone is treating my twins as separates, I have also had many key learnings at home about my twins’ individuality. For example, the first year my daughters celebrated Valentine’s Day at school, I made these adorable Valentine’s treats for their classmates and signed it from Twin A AND Twin B. I was so excited to bring them to school, until I realized they were exchanging Valentines among classmates and only one girl would have an item to exchange. I quickly scrambled to make another set of Valentines. It was at this time that I learned it was important to create separate gifts from each of my daughters. embrace their individuality A few weeks ago, Twin B revealed a shocking statement that was bothering her. In the middle of dinner, she said, “A lot of people call me ‘girl’.” I responded by asking, “Does that bother you when people call you and your sister ‘girls’?” I didn’t realize that for the past few years, in the craziness of life, it had become easier for me to refer to my twins as “girls” rather than always using their individual names. Twin B went on to say that we never called my singleton ‘girl’, but we would often refer to my twins as “the girls,” or to get their attention to say, “hey, girls”. Below I have provided you with a few ideas on how to help teach your twins to stand up for their identity. Teaching Twins to Embrace their Individuality Call/Refer to Your Twins by Their Names Grouping your twins by group names eliminates their identity in the process. Before my daughters were born, my husband and I made it a rule that we would never call them “the twins,” but at the same time we starting calling them “the girls.” We realized that we never did this with our singleton daughter and instead call her by her given name. embrace their individuality Point Out Clarifying Marks It helps people who do not interact with your twins on a daily basis to know the tell-tale signs of how to tell the twins apart. While knowing the difference between twins may be more obvious with girl/boy twins, some same-sex fraternal and identical twins are often confused. Encourage your twins to point out their differences to people to help them learn who is who, such as: freckles, hair/facial/body differences, frequent colors worn, etc. Teach Your Twins to Speak Up My extremely shy twin daughters started ballet at three years old. One of them impressed me when their ballet teacher asked them their names. One of the girls, spoke up very clearly and said, “I’m ____, and this is ____.” I was so proud that at this young age, my daughter was standing up for herself and pointing out each of their identities. From there, the girls continued to correct family and friends when they incorrectly named the girls saying, “I’m not ___, I’m ____.” Help Each Twin to Choose Their Own Activities If each multiple has their own “thing,” whether it is a sport, activity, or a love for something, it helps to create each child’s identity. It could be as simple as one twin loves butterflies and will often wear outfits, jewelry, or accessories that have a butterfly design. Or, one twin loves gymnastics and will often do tumbles, cartwheels, and handstands in her free time. Support your twins in their individual interests. That may mean signing them up for two different activities, which can get tricky, but it can also allow you alone time with each twin while their sibling is in an activity without them. embrace their individuality Treat Them Like Singletons Whenever You Can Why should twins have to share a birthday cake? This is a perfect example of how twins often get lumped together, which only encourages others to treat them as one. Make sure to have two different cakes and sing “Happy Birthday” twice. This is just one example of how you can make a public display of each twin’s individuality to reinforce the idea to family and friends. Provide One-on-One Time with Each Twin Having individual time with each parent helps multiples develop their own connections while also providing that child with a time to create their own sense of self. It is during this time that the multiple is only themselves and no longer a twin. Related Articles

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Helping Kids Cope with the Death of a Grandparent

Twiniversity — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 04:00:17 +0000

My father in law died last week. It was not unexpected. The whole family was well prepared for his death. He had been sick for years with both Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease. In the end, we all have to deal with death. It comes to us all as the saying goes. However this time it was different. My husband and I not only had our grief to deal with but the grief of two very different 8-year-old twins. Ten or so years ago when we started trying to get pregnant we knew that there was a very real possibility that whatever children we had would not get to know their grandfather very well. When they were born my father in law didn’t want to get too attached to them either, fearing that he would hurt them when he died. He knew them for eight and a half years. While I have no guarantee about how much they will remember of him when they are old I am heartened to know they will remember they did have a grandfather. He was their only one, he will be their only memory. I am familiar with those faded memories. My father died when I was 12. Grief is hard for everyone, it can be especially hard for children. We had no idea how they would react to the situation, so we fell into a comfortable pattern for the last few weeks of him in the hospital. They would come home, we would update them and let them ask the questions they wanted to ask. When the time was coming we were clear with them and open about what was going on. We offered them the chance, every chance we had to go and visit their grandfather. He was not vocal anymore, but he recognized their voices and knew they were there. The wonderful thing was that they got to see their family supporting their dying family member. They were in the room with us as we held his hand and talked to him. They joked with us and laughed as we told stories about his life. It was good for them. I am glad for that. I think our fear of death as a country is often unfounded. We should support our family members as they leave the world, just as we support when new life comes into the world. When the day finally came and we knew he had hours left we asked them if they wanted to be with him and they choose not too. That was OK. For me, I knew at that moment my focus had to switch from my own grief to shielding them and supporting them through the death of their only grandfather. My son cried, long and hard. My daughter had little reaction. Grief can go through all the extremes for everyone. All reactions are ok. Your job as a parent is to try to support all those variations in moods. We can laugh, cry, be angry and all the emotions in between. There is no wrong way to grieve. When we had all calmed down the question and answer sessions continued. They had questions about his body, what it means to die, what the funeral would be like. We discussed it all. The kids’ grandmother is a devout Catholic, so the services were going to be extensive. We felt we had to prepare them for what would happen as well as what might happen. We also discussed behavior expectation and what was appropriate for all the services. You cannot expect children to know to act for a funeral. The first was a vigil that was open casket. Everyone had a rough time with that service. Finally, my daughter broke down after when they took her grandfather away in the hearse. The next day and the funeral were easier. The funeral was familiar, with a mass. The twins had more questions. We continued to answer them all. They loved all the people who came to the reception after. There were stories and laughter. We told them that Grandpa had transformed into stories. They happily added their stories of him to the collective memory. It has been two weeks now since the final service. We are all tired but relieved. In truth, my children surprised me with their strength and curiosity. Every family will have to deal with the death of a family member at some point. I think that as we do we need to keep the youngest family members in mind. As a child when my father died I remember very clearly being confused about everything. I knew my father had died but I had so many questions about what was going on. I wanted to know what happened to him and what would happen to him. However, my mother did not answer my questions. The family around me ignored me as the youngest of the tribe. As an adult, this experience left me afraid of death and sickness. I remember clearly walking into the funeral home to view my father’s body. My mother hadn’t told me what we were doing. I was afraid and sad and angry that I hadn’t been given a choice. Give your children the choice to work through their grief in their own way. There is no wrong way to grieve. How does your family deal with death? Have you had a death in the family that you have had to walk your children through? What tips can you give other families about what worked for you? For Further Resources on Handling Grief With Children You Can Check out These Links: Related Articles

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