Child Behavior & Discipline Archives | Twiniversity #1 Parenting Twins Site

Co-Regulation Techniques to Try With Twins of All Ages

Twiniversity — Tue, 08 Apr 2025 10:00:00 +0000

As a twin parent, tantrums and certain behaviors in general can feel extra overwhelming–for both you and your twinnies. So we’ve rounded up some helpful co-regulation techniques and self-regulation strategies for kids that you can use to better navigate all those challenging moments. You may have heard of the terms self-regulation and co-regulation before. But what do they actually refer to, and why are they important to you as a twin parent? What are self-regulation and co-regulation? Self-regulation is the ability to calm your own emotions and your body back to a state where you function at your best. A person who can self-regulate is able to monitor their own behavior, judge their own behavior, and react to their own behavior. Self-regulation has been shown to improve your emotional well-being, your perception of social support, and your overall life satisfaction. As such, self-regulation is an essential skill for an adult. And of course, it becomes your job as a parent to teach this skill to your twins. But, babies, toddlers, and young children aren’t able to self-regulate on their own right away. So, that’s where co-regulation comes in! Co-regulation is modeling regulation by engaging in regulating behaviors with someone. Through this mutual act, children eventually learn to regulate themselves. There are many co-regulation techniques you can carry out with your twins. Read on to learn ways you can model self-regulation strategies for kids every age. Co-regulation techniques for newborns and infants When your twins are first born, they require the support of a caregiver to satisfy all of their needs. So just as you assist your tiny twinnies with feeding and cleaning, it’s also important to help them with their emotional regulation. If you’re worried that this will require extra work on your part, don’t despair! Luckily, many acts that you naturally engage in with your twin-fants are inherently co-regulatory. For example, rocking a crying baby or singing a lullaby are both regulatory acts. Other co-regulation techniques you can try out with your babies include: Of course as infants, they won’t be able to perform these self-regulation strategies on their own for quite a while. But through these co-regulation techniques, you are helping them with the vital task of stabilizing their nervous system. This will help them more consistently be in an emotional state where they can learn new skills (like feeding and self-soothing). Now, what about when those twinnies of yours reach their first birthday and beyond? How should your approach to co-regulation change? More on this age-group next! Co-regulation techniques for toddlers and preschoolers As your twins mature into toddlerhood and go on to preschool, they become more aware of the patterns in their sensations and emotions. That’s why at this age, it’s essential for parents to begin using language to help their children begin to name and make more sense of these feelings. Also keep in mind that toddlers and preschoolers get excited for chances to move and play. So this is a super helpful approach to co-regulation for this age group. Here are some co-regulation techniques to try with your toddler twins: 1. Breathing strategies At this age, have your child look at you so they can watch and observe the physical signs of breathing. To help with this, encourage your twins to make a bubble with their tummy while breathing. You could also show them the Sesame Street Belly Breath video and then encourage belly breaths when they are upset. Another helpful slow breathing technique is pretending to suck air through a straw or inhaling and exhaling while tracing the outline of your fingers. (Inhale when you you up a finger, and exhale when you go down a finger.) 2. The power of a hug Toddlers and preschoolers still tend to love hugs to help regulate. But if they’re not in the mood for a hug, you can also teach them other ways to get this need met. For example, your twins can hug a stuffed animal or use a weighted lap pad for a similar hug effect. They can also do a self-hug the Daniel Tiger way: Give a squeeze nice and slow (they hug themselves). Take a deep breath, and let it go. 3. Start talking about feelings Help your child learn the words for the things they are feeling in their bodies and what those emotions might be associated with. For example, you can say something like: “Your face is getting very red. I think you might be feeling angry right now. Do you feel angry?” Or to help your twins recognize emotions outside of themselves: “Your brother is crying. It looks like he’s feeling sad right now. How can we help him if he’s feeling upset?” Here’s an example of a book that’s helpful for naming and talking about emotions with your toddler twins! 4. Physical activities, games, and art Games that involve lots of body movement like Red Light, Green Light or Freeze Dance are great strategies to encourage a quick calming of the body. You could also make a safe “jump zone” in your living room with couch cushions or perform the Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes song. Another great self-regulation strategy for kids is to pretend to be a noodle. This can help them figure out how to relax their tense muscles. 5. Sensory toys Sensory toys are exactly what they sound like. Toys that engage one or more of your kiddos’ five senses! From simple play-dough to elaborate water tables, the options are seemingly limitless! Glitter wands provide fascinating visual stimuli, while crinkle paper is both fun to feel and hear. Pop-its are an easy-to-use, mess-free sensory option that you can find pretty much everywhere nowadays. You can even put together your own sensory bins full of items like beads, putty, puff balls, and bright colors. Or for a full-body sensory experience, you could pour a bag of rice or corn kernels into a large box for your twins to sit in. Want some inspiration for… Continue Reading Co-Regulation Techniques to Try With Twins of All Ages

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5 Simple Responsibilities for Children

Amanda Hadley — Tue, 17 May 2022 09:00:00 +0000

There is a bigger picture to teaching responsibilities for children than simply giving them chores. My own daughter is completely perplexed by having to make her bed on a daily basis. She is 9 years old now and I have been engaged in this war with her for three years. It started as a chore she enjoyed but quickly became a whiny “Why?” To which I would reply, “because I said so.” But with age and maturity, comes truth. I recently explained to her that my job as a mom is to raise self-sufficient humans that are non-drains on society. Requesting her to make her bed is less about the bed and more about teaching her life skills. A person with a sense of personal responsibility is more likely to succeed in school, the workplace, and society at large. Our children are capable humans. They can handle responsibilities. And I believe it is never too early to teach responsibilities to children. The COVID-19 pandemic supplied me with plenty of time at home with my young children, and an opportunity to involve them in the day-to-day chores of running a household. My twins were 3 years old in 2020, and this is when I started to build their foundation for responsibility. There were (and still are) plenty of frowns and whiny mumbles when I declared it is chore day, but I know I am teaching them skills for success later in life (plus, I am saving my own sanity by expecting a little more from them and a little less from myself!). See the list of chores below that I use with my own kids: 5 Responsibilities for Children That Build Good Life Skills 1. Caring for the Family Pet If you have a pet, this is a no-brainer. We take turns asking each child to fill up the dog’s food dish daily. This is definitely one chore where we do not get much push-back from the kids. Does this mean the kids adore the dog more than they adore me? Probably, but the dog is adorable! This can be a messy task. It started out half in the bowl and half on the floor, but part of this responsibility for children is to clean up after as well. Practice makes perfect, and currently it is about 95% in the bowl and 5% on the floor. The children are also asked multiple times a day to let the dog outside and then let him in when he is ready. Again, they are pretty amicable to this request, however, they are VERY good at remembering who’s turn it is and who did it most recently. 2. Putting Their Clothes Away I get a lot of shocked looks when I talk about my 5-year-old twins (they started doing this just before 3 years old) being responsible for putting their folded laundry away in their dressers. Most of the time I do the folding, but when I am done, I will hand them one pile at a time to put away. Are the clothes still neatly folded and organized in the drawer when they are done? No. Will they be 16 years old and still have sloppy folded pants half sticking out of their dresser drawers? Yes, but not because they will not know better, this will just be due to the teenage way of life. This is my first step in eventually teaching my children to do laundry (again, a life skill). Right now they are responsible for putting their clean clothes in their dresser. As they get older, the lesson of neat drawers will be taught, as well as how to hang up clothes. All leading up to actually doing laundry: separate, wash, dry, fold, and put away. 3. Wipe Down Door Handles and Light Switches Children = germs. Besides teaching my children proper handwashing, I am also enlisting their help in keeping germs off some of the most touched places in our house: door handles and light switches. Twice a week, I will give each twin a disinfecting wipe (or two) and assign them to either door handles or light switches. They are responsible for wiping down and disinfecting ALL the door handles and light switches on all three floors of our home. Little hands are great for these smaller household items. 4. Put away Clean Silverware At 2 years old, all of my kids were putting away the clean silverware. This was their very first chore. I was given this idea by a co-worker, and I was very skeptical that my 2-year-old would have the patience to do this. I was wrong. All three of my kids have been successful and enjoyed this chore. Sometimes, the little spoons end up with big spoons, and we’ve lost a ladle and wooden spoon along the way, but I knew to expect some casualties. This was the perfect starting chore for my kids. 5. Clearing the Table We are a two-career family of five. My husband and I work opposite shifts, so family dinners only happen once a week. Recently, during these family dinners, the children became responsible for clearing the table. The chosen child for the week is responsible for clearing the table of all dishes, silverware, and cups. If food remains, they are also responsible for scrapping the leftovers into the trash. The kids are fine with this arrangement. For all other meals during the week, we are all responsible for clearing our own dishes. So, it’s not much more responsibility than they are used to. This chore is an important one to me. I want my kids to know what it takes to care for (and clean up) after a family. I hope to give them a little insight into what it is like being a mom. Although I am sure this lesson is lost on the twins right now, hopefully, one day they will see the similarities. This is of course a work in progress. When the twins… Continue Reading 5 Simple Responsibilities for Children

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The Truth Behind your Child’s Tantrum

Twiniversity — Tue, 30 Nov 2021 10:39:00 +0000

Tantrums are the worst! Whether you are on the receiving end or an unlucky observer, a child meltdown can make you question your parenting ability, confidence and sanity. Having three kids over the age of 5, I feel like I’ve experienced more than my share of temper tantrums and I’ve also tried all the techniques for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. We’ve done time out, taking toys away, taking screen time away, attempting to calmly explain myself, chores, and my least favorite, yelling from me and even more screaming from them. From the age of 18 months through 5 years, I did not voluntarily take my kids out of the house on errands in an effort to avoid a tantrum in public. What Causes Kid’s Tantrums? The majority of temper tantrums are often a child’s response to unmet needs or desires. In general, children haven’t developed good coping skills, so when frustration sets in, they tend to just lose it instead. For younger children, their lack of communication skills tends to lead to their tantrums. Dare we say, these tantrums are a normal part of their learning and developments. Temper tantrums happen. Sometimes, they just do. Don’t beat yourself up. Toddler tantrums are NOT a sign of a bad parent! The are incredibly common and almost unavoidable at various stages of parenting. Let’s talk about how to avoid them and how to deal when avoidance just won’t cut it. How Do You Stop a Temper Tantrum? In a perfect world the best thing to stop a tantrum would be to prevent tantrums from happening in the first place. Surprisingly, there are actually things you can do on a regular basis in the spirit of prevention of childhood temper tantrums. If it is too late for prevention, then it is time for an intervention. What Is the Best Way to Handle a Tantrum? When your young child is in the middle of a tantrum, it can be tough to keep yourself from having your own outburst too. Try to keep your cool when dealing with a tantrum. I’ve learned the hard way that when I am on the verge of my own meltdown, it DOES NOT diffuse my child’s meltdown. Don’t complicate your child’s temper tantrum with your own frustration or anger. Compassion is always more powerful than anger. Take a moment of quiet time and deep breaths for yourself when your child melts down. Remember that they are watching you and learn by example. Try to be a role model for them as opposed to getting into a power struggle with a toddler. Temper tantrums should be handled differently depending on why your child is upset. Is your child tired or hungry? Are they looking for attention? Can’t have what they want? Can’t express themselves or complete a task on their own? All of these are reasons for tantrums and meltdowns, and all of these should be handled differently. If your child is hungry or tired, opt for a snack and a nap, not a trip to the grocery store or some other type of errand that will require good behavior. Be prepared to alter your daily routine as needed. A consistent routine is helpful but you need to know when to call it for the day, ya know? If a tantrum is happening to get attention, the best way to handle it is to ignore it. If your child is looking for attention, remember that negative attention from you is still attention. Ignoring works because it takes away attention from the behaviors you want to decrease. If a tantrum happens after your child has been refused something, stay calm and don’t give an explanation for why they can’t have what they want. While your child is in the middle of an emotional outburst, there is no way to get through to them. Move on to another activity with your child. If a tantrum happens when your child is given a task they do not want to do, it’s best to ignore the tantrum. But be sure that you follow through on having your child complete the task after she is calm. For children between 1 and 2, temper tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need, but not having the language skills to do it. If your child is too young to communicate their needs to you, your technique may be lost on them as well. This is a time when you may need to provide comfort. Give your child a big, firm hug. Hugs make kids feel secure and let them know that you care about them, even if you don’t agree with their behavior. Is It OK to Ignore a Tantrum? Attention from parents is very rewarding for children. Attention can be both positive and negative. Positive attention refers to things you do to let your child know you like something they did. Negative attention happens when you give your child attention for something you don’t like. Instead of rewarding negative behavior, you take all your attention away from your child and their behavior. Ignoring usually helps stop behaviors that your child is using to get your attention. This includes behaviors like throwing tantrums, whining, and interrupting. When you are ignoring, you do not look at your child or talk to them. Ignore all protests or excuses to get your attention. The goal is to decrease behaviors you do not like or you want your child to stop. If your child misbehaves in ways that present a safety issue or exhibits aggressive behaviors, do not ignore them. Dangerous and destructive behaviors should never be ignored. Either way, stay calm so as not to escalate the already upsetting moment. What Should I Do After a Tantrum Is Over? It is important to praise your kids for any and all positive behavior. Maybe it took her 3 minutes to calm down. That’s OK. It still warrants praise. Letting your child know that their feelings are valid and that they… Continue Reading The Truth Behind your Child’s Tantrum

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Use Heavy Work to Regulate Your Destructive Kids Behavior

Twiniversity — Fri, 15 Jan 2021 21:31:01 +0000

Are your kids constantly destroying everything in their path? Learn the how and why of destructive kids so you can save your sanity and your home! While hitting, kicking, or biting people is not acceptable behavior, sometimes kids need to smash, pound, push, pull, climb, kick, and punch their emotions out. Opportunities to move their bodies against resistance and engage in what we call “heavy work” helps to regulate the nervous system. Sometimes destructive play (or just pure destruction) can be a result of children trying to meet their sensory and emotional needs for regulation. Do you ever find meltdowns are worse on days you can’t get your destructive kids outside to run around, or they’re are jumping off the walls and the level of destruction is catastrophic at the end of a more sedentary day? Realizing that destructive behavior doesn’t just happen Heavy work and exercise stimulate the body systems that have an impact on serotonin levels in the brain. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter that helps to regulate our level of arousal/alertness and has an organizing and calming effect on our nervous system. What is the first thing that happens when you think about that sound when nails are on a chalk board? You probably cringe. Your shoulders meet your ears, your arms kind of tuck into your body and there is an increased tension across your muscles and joints. You automatically tap into your proprioceptive sensory system to organize your nervous system in preparation for a nasty auditory sensation. Pressure or compression to our muscles and joints in this way stimulates the production of those calming and organizing chemicals to help you cope with the stressor (that yucky sound!). We do it without even thinking about it! Think about what is happening in your body when you are nervous. Do you bite your nails? Pace? What sensations do you seek to calm those emotions or feelings inside your body? Our body is such a powerful source of regulation and we seek input to our muscles and joints without conscious awareness to help us feel “just right”. Figuring out the why of destructive kids Kids are no different than us. Children’s brains are growing and making new connections at such a rate, that this incredible growth creates dysregulation and turmoil in their bodies. Learning how to cope with new emotions, environment changes (school, daycare, a new sibling, or you know.. a pandemic), and navigating new skills can come with an increased need for regulating sensory input through the body. Some kids will naturally gravitate to destructive play as a way to instinctually meet their needs. What smart bodies and brains! How can we curtail destructive behavior? So how do we make space for the movement, heavy work and destruction while saving our homes and our sanity? Especially when there are two Tasmanian devils whipping through the house!? 1. Provide movement breaks or changes Get outside and or/provide movement breaks and opportunities to move and do heavy work throughout the day so they are less likely to look for undesirable ways to meet destructive kids’ regulatory needs. A quick search on Pinterest, “heavy work for toddlers/preschoolers/kids” will help. Choose activities that provide opportunities to move against resistance- pushing, pulling, climbing, etc. A lot of household chores are great opportunities for heavy work and are already part of your routine, they need to be done and can give your kiddo a sense of empowerment. Let them participate in mopping, vacuuming, pulling their twin in a wagon, putting away the groceries, giving the table a scrub before it’s time to eat. An easy way to fit in movement and deep pressure is by adding in different “animal walks” when there are natural transitions in your day. “Okay, time for a snack! Let’s all walk to the table like a crab!” “Time to get our shoes on, let’s hop to the door like a frog!” Get creative and have fun! Have a “push the wall” spot. Have fun tracing their hands, let them paint them, put stickers on them, color them, and put them on the wall in a central location. Then add “wall pushes” as a regulation tool throughout the day or in transitions as well. Keep this fun for your destructive kids. 2. Allow destructive kids unstructured playtime Adopt this golden “renegade rule” from one of my favorite books, “It’s OK NOT to Share” by Heather Shumaker: It’s OK if it’s not hurting people or property. Kids have a right and a NEED to unstructured play. Parents have the right to set limits on time and place. We don’t need to automatically ban your child’s destructive play. When we understand there is a physical and emotional reason that your child may be choosing that type of play we can change the timing or the location. Kids need limits to feel safe and secure and to learn what is and isn’t appropriate. For example, “I can see you really want to run right now, it’s not safe to do that in the kitchen. Would you like to take running to the basement or outside?” Or “You both really love to wrestle. It’s not safe to wrestle beside the fish tank, wrestling is for outside” Not sure where to set limits with destructive kids? Ask yourself the question, “Is this hurting people or property?” 3. Designate a “yes space” Create a “yes space” in your home or outdoors. I understand this is not possible for all families or all living spaces. However, it can be a powerful tool if you are able. Set up space in your home where exploration (or destruction) is allowed. For little ones, a big gated area may help designate the space and keep them safe. Provide pillows for kicking and punching, blocks for building and crashing, remove any items that require a “no”. This is a great safe space to be able to contain children when you need to step away quickly to switch over a load… Continue Reading Use Heavy Work to Regulate Your Destructive Kids Behavior

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Needy Twins: Why Are My Twins So Needy?

Twiniversity — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 21:39:42 +0000

Are your needy twins driving you batty? Understanding why your twins are so needy might help you manage their neediness and give you a bit of peace! Twins: double the work and double the children clinging to your legs while you are trying to get it all done! Am I right or am I right? Clingy and needy twins- what is up with that and how do we cope with it? Let’s look at how to meet our needs while understand and meeting the needs of our needy twins. It is always important to dig into the “why” behind our children’s behavior. Bear with me while I get a little bit geeky. I’ll give you some developmental attachment and brain science to support our understanding of our children’s development and needs. A quote from a favorite developmental attachment scientists: “The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence we must first invite dependence… to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer one than he is giving us. We liberate children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness.” ― Gordon Neufeld, Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers It is important to understand that beyond hunger, contact, and connection is the preeminent need of the child (and all humans really). A baby is born completely dependent compared to other mammals. There is so A LOT of neurobiology and brain wiring dedicated to attaching to a caregiver because our survival depends on it. Without someone to feed us, keep us warm and safe away from sabretooth tigers (back in those cavemen days) we were toast! Our brains are smart and know that we NEED to feel the contact & closeness of a caregiver to be safe. It’s just in their nature If we don’t feel this closeness, if we feel our attachment is threatened or if we are facing lots of separation from our caregivers (i.e. overnight to sleep, child care, or school)- the primitive alarms in our brain go off. We are not safe! We work at a subconscious, reflexive, and instinctual level to preserve a sense of safety. Humans are moved to preserve attachment. We are moved to preserve our contact and closeness. We are, by nature, needy beings. That’s where needy twins come into the picture. Sometimes culture interferes with our natural and biological needs. Right now we live in a world and current climate (especially in Western society) that places an extreme value on independence. But from a biological and evolutionary perspective, we are socially connected creatures. We are meant to have some dependence on others. Relationships keep us safe. It is through inviting dependence that our children grow, mature, and feel confident in separating from us. Independence is born from complete dependence. “Dependence” is not a dirty word. It is normal that it feels like your child NEEDS you 24/7. Alright, but now what? The reality is we have stuff we need to get done, and having *two* tiny humans that need you is exhausting! The following is a list of things to consider for your needy twins: Shift your perspective on “needy twins” and “dependent twins” Sometimes we may not be able to change a specific behavior at all, but how we view it can help us feel so much better about it. Your kiddo is supposed to need you, being away from you is hard. Ditch our cultural norms that force independence and know this isn’t something you need to TEACH your child. By meeting their need for dependence on you, they mature into their independence when it is appropriate to do so. Take that weight off your shoulders. Go above and beyond That first quote says, “When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer one than he is giving us”. Children shouldn’t have to work for our love, they should rest in it. If our child asks more and more from us, we need to go above and beyond what they ask to meet their need. Take charge by noticing when your child is in need of that extra connection. Say something like, “I love snuggling with you. I need to finish the dishes now, but I can’t wait until bedtime when we will read books and have a big cuddle. Tonight is a good night for an extra-long cuddle!” Read your child’s needs and let them see how you are taking the lead to meet those needs. Boundaries Hold firm and loving limits when there is a non-negotiable item on your agenda that needs to get done without needy twins climbing onto your back. Fill their connection cup with some undivided attention before your task. Let them know when and how you will connect again when you are done. Attachment relationships are not meant to be linear. We must step into our caregiver/leader role to inspire our child’s instinct to depend on and follow us. We embrace our caregiver role by holding loving boundaries and limits. Kids need to know where the boundaries are. If we are intentional in meeting their need for connection, there are times when it is of course completely appropriate to say “I need to get ______ done, and then we will play Lego after!” Focus on connection in your daily care routines We can’t be connecting and attuned to our little one 24/7. That would be exhausting. Sometimes a great place to start, especially for our younger twins, is in our daily care routines: feeding, diaper changes, getting dressed, bath time, etc. Skip multitasking other chores… Continue Reading Needy Twins: Why Are My Twins So Needy?

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Tackling After School Messes and Organizing Life with Twins

Twiniversity — Mon, 31 Dec 2018 04:00:30 +0000

Nat and Julie chat about the challenges of after school messes and organizing life with twins, thanks to our friends at Tub O’ Towels. This was a Facebook live recording. Tackling After School Messes and Organizing Life with Twins Nat: Well guys, today we are talking about after school messes for the twins, and for yourself, and even for your pets. I am Natalie Diaz, the big cheese at Twiniversity. And if you look at the person on that side or this side (I don’t know which way she will actually appearing) Jules: That side. Nat: She’s on that side. That’s Julie Burt Nichols, of the famous Nichols of Chicago. They are a very regal bunch actually. Well it’s the Burts I know better. Jules: The Burts are a very regal bunch. Nat: And although they never have to clean their own houses, because they are super-Chicago royalty. Sadly that’s only in their heads. Jules: That’s reallyonly the patriarch and the matriarch, not I. I have to clean my own. Nat: Not you, your mom doesn’t clean her house own house? Jules: She has a cleaning lady. Nat : Does she really? She always did even when you were little? Jules: Doesn’t everybody’s parents have a cleaning lady? Nat: Well my mom does now, because she can’t bend to clean the bottom of the shower. And I don’t want to do it. Jules: I feel like the baby boomer generation, they all have cleaning ladies, because they have like money and they… Nat: Wait time-out. So your mother, when you were growing up, you had a cleaning lady? Jules: No not growing up. Now she does. Nat: That’s what I mean. Jules: It’s a luxury. Nat: Because you were the cleaning lady, when you were growing up? Jules: No. Nat: No? No, you didn’t have chores?! Jules: No. Nat: WHAT!?! Jules: No we didn’t have chores. Nat: I feel like there was or should be like some slave labor laws… Jules: We had a live in and I think she helped with cleaning. Nat: Are you serious? Jules: Yeah mom hired some girl, eighteen year old out of high school. She watched us at before and after school. Nat: I’m doing this all wrong. I’m doing everything wrong. Jules: (laughing) I really don’t know we clean our house. I have no idea. I think we actually probably didn’t have a cleaning lady, that like our family all used probably. We’ve had a cleaning lady as long as I can remember. When I would say probably by junior high we did. Nat: You had a cleaning lady by junior high? Jules: Yeah we did. Nat: We didn’t. We just cleaned our house, me and my sister were like responsible for doing everything. We did have like assigned chores. And we did not only have to do things on the weekends but we also had to do things on the weekdays after school. Which is why when we were thinking about like back to school. Everybody’s talking about back to school and lunch boxes and while we’re talking about that stuff too. Guess what, the reality is that those kids that come home that have to do that diorama of you know a prehistoric, you know, whatever that thing is called in the shoe box that’s a diorama isn’t it? Jules: Yeah, a diorama, yeah. Nat: That’s the glue, the paint, (my favorite is the glitter glue, that’s like my, that’s my nemesis), and of course the sharpie. These kids make messes. So today we’re going to talk about cleaning up and organizing and getting off on the right foot, and if you haven’t already it’s only too late if you don’t start now. So the first thing that I want to say to everybody that’s watching; tell us right now are you kids in school? Are your kids in preschool? I’m curious to know where your kids fall into the timeline, because that will help us direct this conversation better. But even more importantly than our conversation today, we’re so excited because we are brought to you by brought to you by.. My sister always used to think that it was Brock. Brock to you by… Tub O’ Towels. And you’re like, Nat “what the heck is Tub O’ towels?” Jule, Vanna White it for us. Ah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah! So I had no idea what’s how the towels was up until about a year ago, right Jule? Jule, that’s them it should be a Halloween costume. Jules: My second head. Nat: Arrgh! You’re a pirate. Arrgh pirate Tub O’ towels. So Tub O’ towels has previously been in much more of like the grease monkey end of the world. So if you have (you know) or if you’re a grease monkey yourself and you work on cars it’s been like in the automotive universe and it’s like a staple of the automotive world because it’s so exceptional at cleaning up grease. But wait there’s more, so how the heck did I find out that this company exists? Well once upon a time, we have a great friend her name is Ashley, and she worked over at another company that we were partnering with. I loved her when, it was another partner of ours, we loved her to bits and pieces, she ended up leaving there and going over to Tub O’ towels. And when she was at Tub O’ towels she was like “Hey listen, this is great for moms too”. And we’re like, “Is it great for moms? Everybody says that…” And she’s like, “No, I’m gonna send it to you.” So she sent me a bunch. Did she send you a bunch too Jule? Jules: Um, hmm. Nat: She sent us a bunch and I was like “okay”. I don’t know I’m skeptical about anything. I’m skeptical about everything. Jules: You are very skeptical. Nat: I am. But you know, Jule, honestly we get… Continue Reading Tackling After School Messes and Organizing Life with Twins

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Glued to My Side: When Your Child has Separation Anxiety

Twiniversity — Thu, 13 Sep 2018 04:00:35 +0000

During typical development, babies often experience anxiety at about seven to eight months of age. At this time, unfamiliar people, places, or things may be frightening. Around ages 12-18 months, toddlers may first begin to experience normal separation anxiety when parents are not close. This type of separation anxiety usually disappears by age two. For many children, however, separation anxiety may persist into the preschool and school-age years or may crop up at different stages. This can be stressful not only for the child but also the parents. I am all too familiar with the stress associated with separation anxiety. It started with one of our girls when we enrolled the kids in a dance class. She refused to enter the studio, screaming if she could not see me. Eventually, the dance teacher (who I should mention was my aunt!) allowed me to participate in a few classes, watch a few, and then I sat outside where I could watch through a two-way mirror. After about a month of these things, she started willingly going to dance and actually enjoyed them! After this hurdle, things seemed to be going well. Then BOOM! The same child started getting upset when I left her with my mother (a favorite caregiver). Goodbyes became stressful and tearful. Eventually, she started being comfortable with me leaving her with familiar people, but when it was time for kindergarten she started worrying about being left at school. To make things worse, her sister shared many of the same fears about going to school without me. We managed to get through kindergarten using a variety of strategies: Be Empathic About Separation Anxiety When my kids are afraid of being away from me to try new things, I try to listen to their worries without dismissing them. It’s important for them to feel validated even if their fears seem trite. I also try to avoid being critical or impatient with them. Investigate Beforehand Before dropping the kids off at a new place or leaving them with a new babysitter, we try to research things beforehand. If we’ll be leaving the kids somewhere new, we may visit the new place by taking a little tour and pointing out essential things like restroom location. If for some reason, we can’t make a visit or formal introduction, we will go online to see pictures of people and places that will be new and discuss what to expect. Reminder Token Our girls have found comfort in having a little “token” that reminds them of me. We’ve found things like jewelry, a spritz of essential oil I like, or a keychain on their backpacks do the trick. During the school year, I like to pack little notes into their lunches as a reminder that I’m thinking about them. Assign a Job In order to distract the kids from missing me, I sometimes assign them a job to complete while I’m away. For instance, I’ve asked them to deliver gifts or supplies to the staff at the school, asked them to find out the answer to some question (e.g. what’s your teacher’s favorite snack?), or requested for them to do a little chore like clean out their locker. It doesn’t have to be anything monumental, just a little task that helps them focus their energy on something other than worrying and missing mama. Make Introductions Before leaving the kids with a new teacher or sitter we try to introduce them first. It’s important that they feel comfortable with any adults who are responsible for their care. When possible, we will look at pictures of new caregivers (Facebook and business websites are very helpful sources). Sometimes, we also scout out familiar peers who may be in the same class, etc. Finding a friendly face always helps ease worries. Establish a Routine or Schedule Because anxiety is often heightened by fear of the unknown, establishing routines has been very helpful for our kids. For our day to day routines, we use a visual checklist of what needs to be done so everything is clear and habitual for the kids. This really helps them prepare to be dropped off at school each morning. When we’re starting something new, I usually go over what will happen and sometimes write a quick list of what they’ll do. For example, when we started going to a new gym I wrote this down for them: drop off/ check-in; go to the play area; wait for your class to be called; go to gymnastics; return to play area; pick up. Because they are emerging readers I usually pair words with a drawing. I’ve also shown the kids on the clock what time I’ll be coming back. For instance, school ends at 3:00, so when the little hand is on the 3 it’s time for dismissal. Don’t Play Hooky There have been many instances my girls have whined about school and begged to stay home. As tempting as it was to enjoy a day of snuggles, they never stay home from school or other activities as a means of avoidance. It would be all too easy for them to learn how to whine their way out of commitments and difficulties in life. Don’t Linger When it’s actually time to depart, I say a quick goodbye and leave. It’s extremely difficult to leave them when they are unhappy, especially if there are tears. However, lingering sends the message that it’s not safe to be left, which only increases anxiety. Return Promptly I always try my best to return when I promise. If I say I’ll pick them up in an hour, I’m back in an hour. If I’m late they may worry that something terrible happened; only exacerbating any anxiety. Of course, life happens and it may be impossible to be punctual. Maybe there’s traffic or some sort of catastrophe. These things happen. When I’m late, I try to give the kids a reasonable explanation that they’ll understand without… Continue Reading Glued to My Side: When Your Child has Separation Anxiety

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“This is Why We Don’t Have Nice Things”: Coping with My Destructive Twins

Twiniversity — Sat, 05 May 2018 05:00:31 +0000

Sometimes the phrase ‘this is why we don’t have nice things’ is said in our house, most of the time in anger, sometimes in disbelief. It started back before our twins were even able to walk. I never knew two kids could be so destructive, and yet here they are, living under our roof. And while most occurrences have been minor, we have had some real doozies on our hands. We try our best to take all the precautions we can but they never fail to amaze us at how destructive twins can really be. When our twins were at the crawling/walking-along-furniture stage that is really when we started to see the potential for destructiveness. The changing table drawers and wipes containers were never safe to be left out. On a few occasions when I would be distracted, silence would overtake the house and you knew something was about to be trashed. We became masters of folding the wipes back carefully into the container and restacking the diapers back into drawers. Clothes weren’t safe either; I can’t even begin to tell you all the times I walked into their room and saw every piece of clothing they owned in every corner and crevice. As annoying as this could be, sometimes it was easier to just let them go to town on it so I could have those 10 minutes to myself to breathe, or clean elsewhere, or even just drink my coffee in silence. Now while messes are one thing, and easier to handle, where our twins really excel is at the destruction of property. One of the issues with twins is sometimes not knowing who the actual culprit is but, in our case, 90% of the time it’s usually our son, who has a fondness for sticking items into other items. Two examples that come to mind is the close call of our DVD player and the unfortunate death of our Wii U. Our DVD player was a recent case and while it was old and cheap I was determined to save its life. I took it apart only to find a pink residue which I have concluded was lip gloss and two pennies. After spending 30 minutes with a dozen Q-tips the DVD player lived to see another day! Unfortunately, our Wii U was not so lucky. It managed to swallow a quarter and two pennies and it was enough to end its life prematurely. Our son also holds the record for having to call two professionals in one week to our house. The first to our broken living room window from an ill-placed ball and the second was a plumber to our toilet eating a foam bath letter, or two. I look back now and laugh but receiving those bills at the time were not a joy. These are all just the tip of the iceberg of the destruction we have seen in the last five years and we evolve constantly in our parenting to try to find ways to avoid as much as we can. One thing we have learned is the importance of putting things away. The Wii U is never left out now and we take the extra five minutes to plug it in each time we want to play it. When we are finished it goes back on a shelf out of reach. Also, we take great care in making sure there are no coins laying around or things that can easily fit into slots. Our twins are five-years-old and as much as I want to believe they are fully capable of understanding right from wrong there are just certain things we don’t take chances on. There is a saying up in our living room: “Please excuse the mess…the children are making memories”. And that’s really what it all boils down to, because as destructive as our kids are, memories are still being made. Things can be replaced; though sometimes expensive, they are still replaceable. As I sit writing this now, my living room is a minefield of magnetic tiles, Candyland pieces, and other random toys. The new rule is that they can take out as many toys as they want but the living room is to be spotless before lunch is served. As much as they fight me on that every day I know that they will clean it, because darn it, they want lunch. I sometimes feel like we have the most destructive twins in the world. I could fill a whole page with all the things we have had to throw away, fix, or replace. But like I’ve said, it’s never bad enough to stress too much about. I do leave this one more piece of advice that I stand completely behind: Invest in Magic Erasers. Greatest thing ever! I can’t even begin to count all the times I’ve discovered crayon drawings on the wall, furniture, or windows. Those erasers get crayon off of anything. Oh great, my son just rammed his toy into the wall… that’s going to leave a mark…. Related Articles

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What is a Twin Connection Anyway?

Twiniversity — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 05:00:17 +0000

We all get so many questions regarding our multiples every time we leave the house. One of the hardest questions I have found to answer in the past is, “Do they have a twin connection?” I polled my local twin parents support group to find out if they believed their twins have what people call a “twin connection”. Most say yes, they think their twins have a unique bond. A close second was parents believing their twins had a special sibling-type connection, but they weren’t sure if it was specifically a twin thing. What exactly is a twin connection? Some believe the twin connection is really twin telepathy, but there simply isn’t evidence to prove this is possible, and most twins don’t claim to be able to read each other’s thoughts. According to Dr. Marion Verp, a Geneticist and Obstetrician from Chicago, Illinois, the fact that twins share much of the same DNA cause their brains to have similar thought patterns. They are genetically predisposed to think alike. So maybe it’s not really reading each other’s minds as much as it is sharing similar DNA make up. Others think that twins have the ability to feel each other’s pain. Again, studies have shown that most twins do not report being able to feel pain the other twin experiences. Then there is the “twin language” as a theory for the twin connection when twins start to communicate by creating their own words or language. But would two toddlers living together full time who were not twins perhaps learn to do the same thing? Possibly. Some of these connections may happen at times, but we are not able to confirm or evaluate them accurately. Maybe the connection is more about how their personalities mesh. I’ve often noticed twins seem to balance or compliment each other. Strangers think my twins will act exactly alike, but actually, they have many pieces of their personalities that are opposite. They seem to almost be each other’s “better half” in their strengths, helping along the one who is weaker in a particular area. Sometimes I like to think of it by using the idea of the perfect old married couple; they have grown together for so long they almost complete each other. Together, they seem to make the perfect person. Twins get to start so much farther along in their growing together adventure because it already starts in the womb. What a gift, to have that type of close personal connection with another person. Some people never find that type of closeness with anyone their whole lives. So when one of my twins is feeling shy in a social setting, his twin brother encourages him to join in. When one is scared to try part of the playground, the stunt-brother twin goes first to show him how it’s done. My one boy eats anything and tells his twin to try it, and usually, it works! It seems like this list just keeps getting longer as my boys grow up together. To someone who doesn’t know my twins very well, their behavior might look like they are matching and acting the same. As their mother, I can see that it’s more of one bringing the other alongside and being their partner and encourager. Without that relationship in place, they likely wouldn’t look like they were acting the same. Some people even suggest that this unique bond between twins actually extends their lifespan. Having a positive relationship that is consistent can do wonders for health and happiness; many twins have that type of bond started before their first breath is ever taken. I’d suggest these complementing personalities make up a large part of the twin connection. It’s not some secret language or science-defying telepathic skills. Maybe it’s just being a part of a relationship that literally started the very moment they began living. The longest possible relationship anyone could have. All twins have a connection, but as every relationship is different, so is each twin connection. We can’t measure how deep their bond is, to determine if they are “twin enough”. Unless we are a twin ourselves, we can’t really know what it’s like to be so far along in a relationship to another person, right from the beginning of our being. So when you are asked if your twins have a special connection, say yes. They do! They have the most unique relationship people have, starting from the womb! If that’s not an amazing bond, what else would qualify?! Some days my boys do have me wondering if the twin connection also includes how well they can work together as a team to keep their mother busy. In that case, my boys couldn’t be closer. What a gorgeous team twins can be, unlike any other. Rhonda Doerksen lives in Manitoba, Canada with her husband Dan and three kids. She is a survivor of HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with her singleton pregnancy, then had twin boys 4 years later. She is the creator and manager of a non-profit support group for parents of multiples. She finds adventure and joy in her personal art creations. You can follow her on Twitter or Facebook. Related Articles Separation and the Twin Bond 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Identical Twins 7 Misconceptions About Identical Twins

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4 Reasons I Wish My Teen Twins Were Not Identical

Twiniversity — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 05:00:43 +0000

Don’t judge me. You don’t even know. My teen twins are absolutely the light of my life. They have made me the tired, anxious, slightly neurotic mom I am today. Just shy of 14 years ago I was whisked from an ob exam room into the ultrasound room so they could “count the babies.” What. The. Crap?!? Twins! 2 placentas and 2 sacs. Twins. 1 girl and 1 camera shy little acrobat. My regularly scheduled ultrasound showed our mystery little to be another girl. 2 girls. Twins. Then came their birth. So rushed and hectic I completely forgot about sending the placenta out for additional testing until weeks after the fact, when the pediatrician asked if I was sure they were fraternal because “Gosh, they look identical to me.” Oddly, no one can tell them apart. 12 years later they were still arguing with friends, family, even complete strangers about being fraternal. I always knew there was a small chance they might be identical, but as their mother, all I see ae their differences. Kendall’s hair is a bit thicker, Kaydence’s nose a touch wider. Still, no one can tell them apart. So, for their 13th birthday, we decided to FINALLY have them tested. Having an April birthday we ordered the kit in early March, swabbed and sent it back to the lab. Five days before their 13th birthday the email came. Identical. They didn’t seem to care much but to be honest, my heart sank for them. Just a little bit. You see, in the 13 years prior I had a bit of hope that at some point one of my girls would grow an extra 4 inches, or their hair would lighten or darken drastically so that people would be able to tell them apart more easily. None of those things will happen. Now, I know I should be in awe of my little freaks of nature, and I am. But I’m a little sad for them too. I’m sad that this confirms that a life ahead is filled with my daughters’ sharing an identity to the outside world. Realistically, they share an identity too much of their inside world too. 1. Issues at School They recently started 8th grade at a new school. They have been in classes for over 8 weeks now and have teachers who not only admit they still CANNOT TELL THEM APART, but admit they aren’t even going to TRY and learn to! Now, as a mother, I really want to call a school meeting or a national press conference. Maybe we can put them on a stage together and play circle the differences. Maybe the prizes are cookies or the ability to leave the premises and return to their loved ones. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. But the problem is that my girls are 13 now and they want to “handle it on their own.” I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to at least let them try. They have asked if they could call the teacher in question “teacher” all year instead of her name. Apparently, she has decided she will call them both “Twin” this year and has done it a few times already. She has been surprised each time they fail to respond. Huh…..go figure. The immature part of me says to call her “Dummy.” The mother in me wants to set up a parent-teacher conference to slap her. But the grown up in me instead gives my girls the power to correct her each and every time before responding to her request. 2. They Are Seen as the Same Person Most teen twins I know don’t necessarily mind people mixing them up, especially new people. They expect it for a little while. But they (at least my twins) do mind being viewed as the same person or even interchangeable. I know they don’t mind a teacher or classmate asking them to stand in front of them so they can look for ways to tell them apart. They also really appreciate the grandparent who asks them individually what they want for their birthday as opposed to buying 2 of the same thing, throwing them in a gift bag and slapping a tag labeled “girls” on it. Trust me, it’s happened. 3. Even I Mix up Their Names It’s these types of things that make my life more difficult than it needs to be. Any parent who has more than one child occasionally runs through all their names looking for the right one from time to time. I was routinely called “Kath-Ro-Megan” by my grandmother as a kid. No big deal. I don’t get that luxury with my twin teens. If I call Kendall her sister’s name she gets upset until I explain, yet again, that I didn’t see her and thought she was her sister. The same is true with Kaydence. It’s really not fair. Looking like you’ve lost your mind while trying to get your child to get their shoes off the stairs while calling out the name of every child you’ve ever laid eyes on is a time-honored tradition. It’s a tradition I have no participation in with my girls. 4. Dating Then there is the newer subject of boys. Remember that bit about not being the same person, not being interchangeable? Yeah, it seems that many of the boys who like them, like THEM both. And even they seem to think they’re basically the same person. If Kaydence doesn’t return the boys’ feelings it’s okay because maybe Kendall does. It’s like they have 2 whole chances to get the girl they like to notice them. It’s annoying and obnoxious, but of course, they don’t mean any harm. They are taught by the adults around them that these girls are one in the same. There have already been a number of boys sniffing around. God help me when they get to high school NEXT YEAR! Now, don’t… Continue Reading 4 Reasons I Wish My Teen Twins Were Not Identical

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